Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Malaya had an assignment at school to complete the statement, "If . . ." Here is Malaya's response (remember, she is 9 years old):
If Imagination Were Real in Different Ways
By Malaya Bizaillion
If angels and spirits could talk . . .
If Mom were here . . .
If clouds were windows and the sun was the entrance to heaven . . .
If no one could leave this earth . . .
If hearts weren't broken . . .
If there were no color . . .
If there were no sin in the world today . . .
If death were defeated . . .
If heaven was earth . . .
If my heart was still full of pride and not broken . . .
If people could keep promises . . .
Sunday, March 14, 2010
I know this—grief sucks! (Forgive me if “sucks” isn’t in your vocabulary)
It has been 20 days since my precious sister lost her fight against sepsis. I would give away all of my possessions just to have 5 minutes with her. I’d do anything to hear her voice, her laughter, and her prayers. She always prayed with a sincere faith. She had the kind of prayer-life that is on display in Acts 4…when Jenny prayed for you, walls would shake. I’m missing her like crazy.
Kayci and I went on a date Friday night. It was the 1st date we’ve been on since Jenny got sick. Before we stuffed our faces with steaks, potatoes and cheese fries, we went to the mall to walk around for a little while. I took a few steps into the mall when memories hit me like a ton of bricks. The last few Christmas’s we have played a game at the mall as a family. My mom gives all 3 of her children and their spouses $50 and then we draw a name. We have 30 minutes to buy gifts for that person. It’s a blast! This past Christmas, Jenny had me.
- If a few steps into the mall bring back memories that make me so weak I want to fall on my knees, you can only imagine what the rest of life is like.
- Christian music is a struggle right now for a couple reasons. One, Jenny loved it. I don’t care what Jeremy Camp song comes on, it reminds me of Jenny because she loved Jeremy Camp. She was so jealous the time I got to hang out with him before and after one of his concerts. Two, some of the theology in Christian music makes me question if some of these artists have ever experienced real life. Some of it is so full of fluff it makes me sick. At this season in my life, the people who speak to my life are those who have experienced deep grief. I want to listen to Stephen Curtis Chapman, Fernando Ortega and U2. I want to hang out with Judy Shockley, Debra Pound and Deborah Hawkins…widows who have lost their husbands over the past year.
- I find myself engaged in American Idol now. Kayci and I have kept up with some of the seasons, but we haven’t been as interested recently. But Jenny loved Idol, so I watch it now.
- Truitt keeps praying for “Jenny and hers chest.” It is precious, but it stings. We try telling Truitt that Jenny doesn’t hurt anymore, but he doesn’t really get it…and it’s ok. He adored Jenny!!!
- I keep having dreams about Jenny. They aren’t bad dreams, they are good dreams, which actually makes it harder. They are dreams of connecting and interacting. I don’t think I’ve ever wanted a dream to come true as bad as I do when I wake up from these dreams.
- At times when I hold my two boys, a feeling of sadness comes over me. Truitt and Noah need their aunt Jenny. We’ll do everything we can to keep her story alive, but it’s not the same.
I’m crippled. We, the Ross’ and Biz’s, are crippled. But here’s what we learn about crippled people in Scripture, watch out for the day when crippled people begin to walk and leap.
So, I’ve been preaching a good discipleship game for 8 years. I want to give my life as an instrument God can use to form others into the image of Jesus. But the question I find myself wrestling with right now is this, “What does it mean to be a disciple when you don’t get your way?” I’m living in the tension of this, “How do I continue living as a faithful follower of Jesus when I have a broken heart?” Please don’t try to answer these questions for me. Just let me live in the tension for a while. I need it.
Unable to Escape the Love of God,