I know this—grief sucks! (Forgive me if “sucks” isn’t in your vocabulary)
It has been 20 days since my precious sister lost her fight against sepsis. I would give away all of my possessions just to have 5 minutes with her. I’d do anything to hear her voice, her laughter, and her prayers. She always prayed with a sincere faith. She had the kind of prayer-life that is on display in Acts 4…when Jenny prayed for you, walls would shake. I’m missing her like crazy.
Kayci and I went on a date Friday night. It was the 1st date we’ve been on since Jenny got sick. Before we stuffed our faces with steaks, potatoes and cheese fries, we went to the mall to walk around for a little while. I took a few steps into the mall when memories hit me like a ton of bricks. The last few Christmas’s we have played a game at the mall as a family. My mom gives all 3 of her children and their spouses $50 and then we draw a name. We have 30 minutes to buy gifts for that person. It’s a blast! This past Christmas, Jenny had me.
- If a few steps into the mall bring back memories that make me so weak I want to fall on my knees, you can only imagine what the rest of life is like.
- Christian music is a struggle right now for a couple reasons. One, Jenny loved it. I don’t care what Jeremy Camp song comes on, it reminds me of Jenny because she loved Jeremy Camp. She was so jealous the time I got to hang out with him before and after one of his concerts. Two, some of the theology in Christian music makes me question if some of these artists have ever experienced real life. Some of it is so full of fluff it makes me sick. At this season in my life, the people who speak to my life are those who have experienced deep grief. I want to listen to Stephen Curtis Chapman, Fernando Ortega and U2. I want to hang out with Judy Shockley, Debra Pound and Deborah Hawkins…widows who have lost their husbands over the past year.
- I find myself engaged in American Idol now. Kayci and I have kept up with some of the seasons, but we haven’t been as interested recently. But Jenny loved Idol, so I watch it now.
- Truitt keeps praying for “Jenny and hers chest.” It is precious, but it stings. We try telling Truitt that Jenny doesn’t hurt anymore, but he doesn’t really get it…and it’s ok. He adored Jenny!!!
- I keep having dreams about Jenny. They aren’t bad dreams, they are good dreams, which actually makes it harder. They are dreams of connecting and interacting. I don’t think I’ve ever wanted a dream to come true as bad as I do when I wake up from these dreams.
- At times when I hold my two boys, a feeling of sadness comes over me. Truitt and Noah need their aunt Jenny. We’ll do everything we can to keep her story alive, but it’s not the same.
I’m crippled. We, the Ross’ and Biz’s, are crippled. But here’s what we learn about crippled people in Scripture, watch out for the day when crippled people begin to walk and leap.
So, I’ve been preaching a good discipleship game for 8 years. I want to give my life as an instrument God can use to form others into the image of Jesus. But the question I find myself wrestling with right now is this, “What does it mean to be a disciple when you don’t get your way?” I’m living in the tension of this, “How do I continue living as a faithful follower of Jesus when I have a broken heart?” Please don’t try to answer these questions for me. Just let me live in the tension for a while. I need it.
Unable to Escape the Love of God,
Josh Ross
I won't try to answer your questions because I'm still trying to answer my own. I had a great visit with your dad the other day and while our journeys are different in many ways, there are some similarities we were able to share that helps me dig deeper into the mystery of God. What I know is this - there are some questions I will never have answered, some experiences I will never understand - and God is still God and He is good in His mercy to me. As I come to grips with some of my own wrestling matches with God's will for me, I hope you and your family will continue to grow deeper in God's love for all of you. As I told your dad, I may pray for the wrong things for you at times but I trust God can work through my mumblings.
ReplyDeleteYou had me tearing up at not being able to walk into the mall without remembering, and then I was crying at precious Truitt still pleading for Jenny, and THEN I saw Jenny's picture with Truitt/Noah (wasn't sure). I am contending for you and your family every day whether out loud or just in my spirit so that our precious and strong Holy Spirit can utter my prayers to Jesus. Today and every day I am asking the Spirit to equip you, Kayci, David, Maylaya, Jonathan, Jennifer, and your mom and dad with supernatural courage so that you can still find untapped strength and genuine grace to take the steps you need to each day. Josh Ross, thank you for pressing into the heart of God at this most trying time. I am learning so much from your example of obedience, grief, faith, and hope. I love you and I am asking the Lord to equip you with everything you need at every moment of every day as you walk the way of Jesus in this season. You are deeply loved. Bless you.
ReplyDeletelove you.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing, Josh. I can't imagine the pain...I really can't. We are praying for you guys and we love you.
ReplyDeleteJoss, I remember back in October when we came through Memphis and visited Sycamore View. Kip was one of our youth group kids. I remember you asked me about how I was dealing with Darryl being fired. I told you I was having a hard time thinking about ever going back into ministry again. You looked at me and told me that when the same thing happened to your parents you almost lost your faith. But that day you had touched my heart with your lesson as I sat and wept. I have been offering prayers up on your behalf that even thought the loss of Jenny makes no sense, that you do the same thing you did back then, hang on and keep putting one foot in front of the other and stay focused - God is going to use you mightily.
ReplyDeleteTerri
I'm glad you're back Josh. You're in my thoughts and prayers daily.
ReplyDeleteSusan Thomson
Grace Street COC
While I can't imagine your grief, there is a song that is by John Mayer "Dreaming with a Broken Heart" while it is about a man losing his girl, I believe it fits here and would possible make a good grieving song. It might help you cry when you need to.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I have convinced myself that when my Grandmother, or others close to me that I have lost, are in my dreams, they are coming to visit me and give me the strength I need to go on. I believe they know we long for them so they pay us visits while we sleep, so we can breath when we are awake.
My prayers continue to be with you and your family.
This does totally suck! I didn't even know Jenny and I'm so disappointed in God! I just knew he would use her life as an amazing living testimony. I expect to be let down by people. But, at the risk of sounding like a spoiled kid, I didn't expect to be let down by God. I remember, after Jenny's passing, asking God to comfort her family. I found myself thinking, "If you can even do that." Anyway, just wanna let you know that you're not alone. Thanks for being real in this post.
ReplyDeleteLove you, Josh.
ReplyDeleteMartha
Josh,
ReplyDeleteWe do not know each other. Jenny and I were in college together.
I lost my dad suddenly in May. and grief - i understand. I always hated it when people said, "It's God's will". Death is NOT part of God's will; nor is the anguish you and so many feel with this separation. But I'm learning God USES all things for good.
Like thousands, I fought hard in prayer for her body to be healed. and if anything please know this...like THOUSANDS (hear that number), i have changed; i have witnessed forgiveness; i have become more intentional with my faith. think of the thousands that have been saved! and then think of the ripple after that...
He's USING her still and all of you - for good, for greatness, for salvation.
I want to share a poem that I clung to many times this year. some parts may seem cheesy but i'm gonna share anyway ;)
Please Be Gentle
By Jill B. Englar
Please be gentle with me for I am grieving.
The sea I swim in is a lonely one
and the shore seems miles away.
Waves of despair numb my soul
as I struggle through each day.
My heart is heavy with sorrow.
I want to shout and scream
and repeatedly ask ‘why?’
At times, my grief overwhelms me
and I weep bitterly,
so great is my loss.
Please don’t turn away
or tell me to move on with my life.
I must embrace my pain
before I can begin to heal.
Companion me through tears
and sit with me in loving silence.
Honor where I am in my journey,
not where you think I should be.
Listen patiently to my story,
I may need to tell it over and over again.
It’s how I begin to grasp the enormity of my loss.
Nurture me through the weeks and months ahead.
Forgive me when I seem distant and inconsolable.
I need your support and understanding.
There is no right or wrong way to grieve.
I must find my own path.
Please, will you walk beside me?
You are right...grief sucks. It is ok to feel that way. I wish I knew why some of our deepest and most passionate prayer seem to fall on God as though he was deaf.
ReplyDeleteI will pray for you.
Grace and peace,
K. Rex Butts
Josh, we love you and Kayci and your sweet boys!! I am praying for you all daily.
ReplyDeleteKim
I can't imagine what you are going through. Thanks for your honest words.
ReplyDeleteIf you haven't read it yet, Lament For a Son is about the best work on grief (written by someone in the middle of it) I've ever encountered.
But no book can stop it I suppose...you just have to dig through it.
Peace to you,
Aaron Metcalf
My friend Mike Cope has lost a young daughter and a teenage nephew. He is no stranger to grief. Rex Butts (above) has lost a son. John Mark Hicks lost a young wife.
ReplyDeleteI have lost grandparents - and my dad, a little over 16 years ago, just after my then-infant son was adopted.
I trust Mike's advice: Take what people say while you grieve with the grace that they, hopefully, meant it to convey. People will say things that hurt when they meant to help; will do things that cause pain when they mean to cause relief.
And there are even some who hurt so badly, or are so mean-spirited within themselves, that they cannot even want to alleviate your pain.
Accept it all with grace. Lament as much as you wish.
I believe God is listening, that His heart aches with yours, and that He yearns for the day that He can reunite separated loved ones and wipe away tears, just as much as we do.
Nothing I can say or do can ease your sorrow. I wish it could. So, instead, I keep loving you guys and praying for you all.
ReplyDeleteI think the poem Rachel posted says it all.
Love,
Karen
God understands your questions Josh. Just keep talking to Him. A book that really helped me in my own valley was "God On Mute". Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us here, it just helps to know we all have fellow journeyers and we aren't on the road of "why's" alone. May we continue to look forward to heavenly reunions and explanations.
ReplyDeleteJosh- My name is Robin and I am an ACU Alum and my mom Pam Weller knows your mom. My Dad died unexpectedly 17 days ago. I kept up with Jenny's illness through Carepages and I prayed for her and I prayed for my Dad. I was having a hard time (technically) w/ the video of Jenny's service, but I finally got to watch it last night. Your honest words spoke to my heart, which is so angry sometimes right now and the words that you write on your blog speak to me also as I try to find a way to cope with such horrible loss that we just can't understand. You're right, grief sucks, period.
ReplyDeleteI just wanted you to know that by sharing your thoughts you are helping others (me)and you are glorifying God and Jenny as you do that.
I am so sorry that your family and the Bizaillion family lost such a wonderful person
and I will continue to pray for peace for you all.
-Robin Weller Kintz
Dallas
Thank you for writing this. Still planning to come see you guys. I'll call and we can make a plan. Eating is good. Phase 10 is good. Kicking your butt in Phase 10 is even better.
ReplyDeleteJosh, you can't stop expressing these things. It's touching people in ways you could never imagine.
Brothers!
Your family is heavy on my heart tonight. I'm continually praying for you guys. I've been listening to Christian music a lot lately, and yes, some of it is very cliche, and it can be especially hard when you're suffering. But, tonight, I went on a walk and asked God to speak to me. And he did. Each song that came to me were words that I pray for your family and all of Jenny's close friends. So, here's one to hopefully lift you up (even if it's just a little). My prayer for you tonight is this:
ReplyDeleteJoyful, joyful, we adore you.
God of Glory. Lord of Love.
Hearts unfold like flowers before you
Opening to the sun above.
Melt the clouds of sin and sadness
Drive the dark of doubt away.
Bottom line is that I love you and I'm praying for you. Period. :)
-Miranda
Josh,
ReplyDeleteI appreciate your transparency. I am blessed to know you and have often thought of you since our days GSTing it. I hear your pain about Christian music that just doesn't seem to get to the heart of it. If you want some powerful words that will touch you to the core. Check out Sons of Korah. Amazing Australian group that sing the Psalms almost exclusively. While I have not lost anyone as close as a sister, when VineLife fell to pieces and 80+ brothers and sisters in Christ (truly the closest we have ever been to anyone in our life) turned their backs on us, I had no words to express the pain and hurt. Sons of Korah gave me words wrapped in unbelievable vocals and acoustics. Grace to you my brother. We Austinites are praying for the whole fam.
Josh, your honesty and speaking from your heart touches so many people, even when you are struggling. May you feel the love in all of the prayers that are being said for you and the family.
ReplyDeleteI am so thankful for you Josh... thankful for your honesty in sharing how your heart breaks, in your deep loss of Jenny. You are so real right now. I think that's good... really good. Sometimes we are anything but real. I believe that our Father journeys through this with you... He has not taken His eyes off you or misplaced you. May His compassion and peace flow over you and your dear family. Love you and your sweet family, Diane
ReplyDeleteJosh: I never knew your sister - but was part of the prayer group on updates. I feel your pain - My brother passed away April 11, 1992. It was a very difficult time. Things do get better - The Lord has a plan. I want you know that I admire your entire family. The love of the Lord and family was truly evident in every word spoken. What I am about to say I struggled with tremendously, but something told me I needed to tell one of the Ross family what I am about to say. I hope you don't mind but I was in Houston this weekend (my mom's funeral) and saw on the news a story about a mom of a new baby from Houston that contracted strep A inside her body. As you can imagine she is in a delicate place.
ReplyDeleteThey have moved her to a hospital in Dallas. Her husband is updating her progress. She seems to have same sepsis condition that Jenny had. I felt for some reason I needed to tell you this incase you might want to reach out to her husband. I know this is awkward but oddly she became sick a little after Jenny did (I believe it was in the middle of February). They have had to amputate her hands and legs. She is the mom of a new baby (baby was only 5 days old. Her name is Katy Hayes of Kingwood. I know the Lord is watching over your entirely family. I continue to pray for your family in the days to come.
Josh,
ReplyDeleteMy husband and I heard you speak in Tulsa last year, and we couldn't wait to hear you speak again this year. I had never looked up your blog before so had no clue what you were about to tell us about what your family was dealing with. It hit far too close to home. The Tuesday right before the workshop, my mom was placed in ICU with bacterial pneumonia that had become septic and her kidneys were struggling to keep up. She currently is stable, but as you know with this illness, I'm scared to death. I'm only 26, I have a 10 month old daughter, and we need her dearly in our lives.
Since the workshop I have been praying tearfully for you and your family, even though I've never met any of you. Your raw words here are incredible. Painful to read, but incredible.
I just wanted to tell you how much your "sold-out discipleship" means to our family. We've passed the Tulsa CD's from last year and this year on to tons of people hoping they'll be blessed by your words as we have been. My husband just turned 30 last week and has a huge heart for ministry. He touches people's lives all through our community and would love for it to be his full-time occupation. The leadership at our church has never experienced a young Christian in such a position and is very apprehensive. Your example really give him hopes that it is possible to lead a church as a minister at a young age, and to do an incredible job of it.
Please know that your strength through tragedy is incredible, is inspiring, and is humbling. Keep up your amazing work for God. You're not only changing your community, you're inspiring others all over the country to change theirs.
"You're touching people in ways you never imagined" by your honesty...God is using you even in your unbelievable pain...
ReplyDeleteI can soooo relate to how you are feeling. I lost my 45 yr old sister 2 yrs ago. I still dream about her just like you mentioned, not bad dreams, just a real connection. I still grab the phone to call her every time I have something to tell her, or wonder if it's her calling when I hear the phone ring.
ReplyDeleteI followed Jenny's care pages faithfully and began praying more than I have in a long time...praying for Jenny and her family. I often talked to my boss and coworkers about the amount of faith that all of you shared with us through it all, and doubted that I could or would be that strong, because I was still struggling with loosing my sister to cancer 2 yrs prior.
I watched Jenny's memorial service from my work computer and cried, and laughed, and sang songs of worship. Then the very next day I received news that my 25 yr old nephew was killed in an accident. He went Home to be with his mother in Heaven. Once again our family was crushed and knocked down, and wanted the whole world to stop turning and just be still for a little while because we had lost another special angel on earth. And we too, are living broken for a while. But there is one thing that is different this time around in my grieving process, I have a little more faith to fall back on thanks to you and your family for sharing your faith so openly and for sharing your Jenny with those of us that didn't know her.
I've come to cherish the little reminders of my sister and nephew, even when it brings a tear to my eyes or a pain in my chest, because it keeps them close to me. I don't ever want that feeling to fade away for fear of losing that closeness with them.
Thanks again to you and your family for sharing your faith and your honesty so openly.
~Martha Carrillo, Decatur Texas